Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

“Listen to me now, I need to let you know, you don’t have to go it alone.”

U2- Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own

I would like to dedicate this post, this blog and the rest of my year of JVC service to my late Grandma, Ethel Brumleve, who died two weeks ago today. I loved talking to her on the phone and telling her about what I was doing this year in Saint Louis. I could tell by her voice when we talked how interested she was in my program, what I was doing, and how I was living my life this year. I know in my heart that she was proud of what I am doing, and I will not disappoint her with the rest of my year. She always made me feel so good about myself and I will miss her terribly. She was my commute buddy of sorts; I always would use the time when I was walking to and from bus and train stops to talk to her. She was the best person to talk to during that time, a constant positive, and she became a sort of portal that always made me happy as I transitioned from one aspect and community of my day to another. It really hit me yesterday when I was running late for a bus and had twenty minutes to kill before the next one that I could no longer talk to her. She truly was the most remarkable of women and touched many people’s lives in a number of different ways. The positive impact that she had on her community was most apparent by the large number of people who attended her visitation and funeral, and it was very moving to me to feel the generosity and kindness of everyone in attendance as they offered their sympathies, paid their respects, and told stories about the loving, caring, warm human being that my grandma was. This event got me thinking about and inspired me to write a blogpost about another one of the four Jesuit Volunteer Corps values: community.

The fact of the matter is that working towards social justice issues, living life on a modest stipend, and (for many) relocating to a different part of the country far away from family and friends can be quite challenging. Having multiple support networks in different places eases the challenges of the year significantly. I am not sure if these types of networks are more prevalent for me during this year of volunteer service, or if I had not noticed them as much before, but I certainly do now. I notice communities in some regard or another and both big and small everywhere. And, I have started to feel like I have some sort of place in each one.

I obviously feel a sense of community and amazing support from my family—which I do not feel I need to get write about here as well as my housemates and JVC-created and structured community—more on that later in this post. I want to start out with a much simpler community, one that has often been unseen by me. Everyday I am one the many people of Saint Louis who takes public transportation to work. I take the metrolink train from the Central West End across the river to the 5^th and Missouri station in East Saint Louis, and then the #2 Cahokia Bus to my Cahokia Area YMCA. I always took the busses and metro to work in Washington, DC, but it was a completely different atmosphere there. In DC people do not generally talk on the busses and trains. Most people read or listen to music, and you have very little interaction among riders besides the occasional cordial act of giving up a seat to an elderly person, pregnant woman, mother with children, or when giving out directions or answering questions from tourist unfamiliar with the area. This is not real interaction and there is certainly no community feel to it. Many times in DC I would take the bus to work with people that I knew even and there was not much conversing. (Albeit this was always at least partially my fault as sometimes I was more interested in reading Express or listening to NPR podcasts)

The Saint Louis commute is much different. While my trip on the metro everyday is comparable to DC as people are less likely to talk, the bus commute is strikingly different. I usually have the same bus driver and ride with the same people every day. These people all talk amongst themselves on their commutes and to the bus driver. They talk about their kids, kid’s schools and the education system, problems with their spouses, significant others, or in some cases multiple significant others, or have “baby-mama-drama”, etc. And this is not polite small-talk, but these are the type of conversations that are open and honest. They put themselves out there in the same way that old buddies who have known each other for years would talk. I get the feeling that many of these people make the same trip with each other every day year after year, and function as commute buddies. While I may not feel right contributing to these conversations or speaking at this time-- it does not seem like my place yet, I do get the feeling that my presence is acknowledged and accepted on the bus. I am ok being an extra in the background at this point. These commutes make me think back to one of my favorite classes that I took in college- Third World Cities last year with Professor Bratman. The class was development focused but made you think about the challenges of urban planning and examining how each aspect of a city affects other parts and what message is being sent to the different people. I remember talking about the existence of suburbs and expressways and how they function as a way to cut people off from the urban life. They could separate their lives outside of work from their home lives and pass through one environment to the other in their own privacy and at their own convenience. I must say I enjoy taking public transportation. I feel like I am constantly learning on the train and bus; like I am part of the living, breathing essence of Saint Louis and the surrounding Illinois suburbs by listening to the problems, issues, and successes of the everyman and woman Saint Louis area resident. If I had access to a car everyday for work I still do not think I would use it the majority of the time. (Even if it would cut in half my commute time to work)

Speaking of work, I have a very strong community and support network at the Cahokia Area YMCA. This all starts with my boss Fred, the executive director of the Cahokia Area YMCA. When I first met Fred, we instantly clicked. He took me out to lunch on my first day and we both discovered our mutual interest of politics and current events, and found ourselves talking about politics (on a national and city level), DC, and even Uganda and Haiti (it is very impressive to me that he has been to both for the political line of work that he used to do). He is a compassionate guy who really gets the YMCA mission of “building strong kids, strong families, and strong communities by putting Christian principles into practice through programs that build health spirits, minds, and bodies for all.” He invests so much effort into the community he works trying to build it up and strengthen it. This passion shines its brightest through his work towards attempting to get teenage boys in the area to think more seriously about college as a real option, and getting their lives and selves organized enough to take all of the steps to follow through and make it to college. I really admire this dedication. He has even gone so far as to take time out of work to take a local boy to the college to guide him through the registration and class sign up process. He also always is checking up on me as well. One day I left work right around the time that a torrential downpour started and he called me to ask if I was out in the rain or had gotten on the bus yet. When I told him on that Thursday that I would not be in last Monday for my grandma’s funeral, he told me that he did not want to see me as well nor later Thursday afternoon. He told me to take that time off to get my head right. He texted me on the Monday of my Grandma’s funeral asking if I was ok and saying he was thinking about me.

I have been and will continue to learn a lot from Fred. He has tuned me into to politics on a city level (something I admittedly no next to nothing about and had never really paid attention to before). But what I think I could learn most from him is how to be a community figure, to actively be involved in a society, to know the people, their issues, and make sure to do what I can to improve and transform their lives. (more on all of this in a future blogpost)

My other colleagues are very receptive as well and make me feel like I am part of a tight knit family. They took me out to see a jazz show (see previous post), and are always telling me about opportunities to go do things with them that are local and community oriented: high school football games, air shows, etc. We had a staff appreciation cookout last Saturday that I attended, and it was nice to relax with my colleagues, meet their families and bond with them. I will most definitely write more about my colleagues and work throughout the year. Stay tuned for that.

I do not want to focus on my community of housemates during this blog because they will be mentioned throughout the year in many blogposts, but I do want to write about our extended community that includes our JVC support people Katie and Michael. These are great people who are there to offer their support to us on many levels. They have been planning and running our weekly community nights thus far, and look for other fun activities for us to do and so much more (more on this in an upcoming blogpost as well.) We have one-on-one check-ins with Katie and Michael throughout the year as well. During my check-in with Michael, I was telling him about some of my recreational programs I am creating for my YMCA, and he offered to let me use his two children as guinea pigs for my project. I will be taking him up on this offer in the future.

So what is the take-away from all of this? Right now I feel very fortunate to have these different communities that I am becoming a part of that are warm and receptive in me. They have opened their doors to include me, introduced me to their families, and really believe in me, what I am doing, and are looking to improve me to be the best person that I can be. In an environment like this it is easy for me to believe in myself, and do what is right to the best of my ability, and to live up to my own and everyone’s expectations and attempt to surpass them. This echoes something that my grandma used to always tell me when we talked, something that I have tried my best to do and will continue to listen to: “just make sure to be a good boy Ryan”.

In this blogpost I touched on a lot of themes and issues that I will expand upon in forthcoming blogs including more detail on what I do at work, the people I work with, and more about living in community with my housemates. Up Next: One focusing on simple living? Social justice? Who knows?.....I do. Stay tuned to find out.

Also if you want to see a picture of our JVC Midwest crew check out the front page of the JVC website. (I am cut out of the picture but a few of my housemates are in as well as many of the JVs in the Midwest. Click here, or click on the JVC link at the very top of the page.

Like A Song...

“It goes like this the fourth the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift”

-Hallelujah

Awareness. Pride. Frustration. Discomfort. Recognition. Acceptance. Admiration. Inspiration.

Feel free to group this list of ambiguous emotions together to describe any number of occurrences and how you have felt throughout your day. Now take this list and view it as a cycle. This cycle describes my thoughts and feelings towards a very specific love of mine. A love that has been a very dear part of my life for a long time—I am writing about my relationship with music. I consider music to be a very strong part of my identity. Part of my childhood involved taking piano lessons and playing the piano. Many of my favorite memories in college involve music: jamming in the dorms and playing open mic nights, hosting a weekly radio show, attending amazing concerts, and arguing over music during the traditional Thanksgiving road trips). While abroad in Kenya, I felt most comfortable with the art/performing art crowd (See posts on WAPI, Social Circles). I could fill several blogposts to describe what music means to me. Some of you may have heard me say this before but to me music is more than just sounds and goes well beyond words and musical notes. Good music can lift you off of the ground, it can transport you to a higher state or different place, influence your mood of the day, and express thoughts that resonate with you and comfort you as it provides sense of solidarity.

When I am listening to one of my favorite albums- Terence Blanchard’s jazz album “A Requiem for Katrina”, I hear within the music the rise of the water as it floods New Orleans, the somber, mournful sounds that describe a city in shock and downtrodden after being leveled by the hurricane, and the uplifting, hopeful spirit of the music as the city turns towards rebuilding and the optimism of the future. (No I didn’t get that from a music review nor have I ever read one about this album, this is purely, honestly what I am thinking when listening to the album) When listening to U2’s album “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” I hear optimism in the music- a message and a feeling that you cannot be in complete control, and that is alright because no matter what happens things will turn out well no matter how hard, and through life’s experiences you will become a stronger person. In the end you will have everything that you need to get by (I may be able to convey my thoughts with this one as easily but that’s what I get out of this album). I am transported to a simpler time like my childhood when listening to the music of Everclear. I am reminded of listening to the Everclear mixtapes that my brother made for me while growing up.

Music to me is a conduit to help me process and decompress. I play piano at nights typically to help me think about my day and when messing around the sounds typically reflect my mood in one way or another. If I am not quite ready to go to sleep when I know it is time for sleep, I put my Ipod on sleep timer and typically fall asleep while listening to something that reflects my day.

So, why, you might ask would I be bringing this up in a blogpost about my JVC year?
It turns out that my placement city and I have a shared identity on one level or another. In my limited experience here, I believe that music encompasses more of Saint Louis’ identity than it does for any other city that I have lived. It seems I cannot go a day without experiencing live music, and I have not been going out of my way to see live music every day (although I wish that were the case)

This brings me back to the cycle of emotions that I listed at the top of this post. My first experience with live music in Saint Louis occurred at a local establishment where a piano player was playing acceptable covers of seemingly every feel-good sing-a-long song made popular in the last 40 years (Read: “Sweet Caroline”, “Piano Man”, etc, and even, strangely the Black Eyed Peas “I’ve Gotta Feeling”). You all know these musicians. They seem to play at establishments throughout the world. Everyone loves them, everyone sings along as joy, fun, and nostalgia washes over people as this music serves as a perfect complement to their libation of choice. Everyone except me.

With any other instrument I feel the same way as most people in this environment, but if it is a piano I often cannot seem to enjoy the occurrence as much as I would like to. This is where pride, frustration, and discomfort come in. In my heart I know that if I would have had my head on properly when I was younger, I could have been that guy playing these covers decently and entertaining people. I try not to live my life with any or many regrets, but one of the closest things that I have to one is not working harder and appreciating the piano lessons that I took as a kid as much as I would now in the same situation. Admittedly, I sometimes sloughed off while taking them and my head was not in it then as much as it would be now if I were to relive those years in my current mindset. And I wish that I would have kept taking lessons all throughout high school instead of giving it up to play sports. For the last few years I have had a false sense of stupid pride of thinking I am better than I actually am at the piano. This admission has not come easily and I recognize and accept this false pride now more than at any time ever and am and will be working towards changing. (More on this in a minute)

Fast forward this episode one week later to find me in a state of pure admiration:

Blues lies at the soul of the Saint Louis music scene. Blues (along with jazz), are in my opinion two music genres that are the easiest for the musician to be expressive. Whenever I go to a blues show, I always feel drawn towards the wide array range of complex expressions that blues music can carry through what appears to be very simplistic sound. The best example I can give of this is by repeating what critics say of blues legend B.B. King: he may play the same note throughout an entire song but he’ll make it sound different every single time. There is just a soul, a feeling that goes into blues music that I enjoy listening to, and this was one of the things I most looked forward to when I knew I would be living in Saint Louis for the next year.

My first experience with blues in Saint Louis occurred at Jazz Bistro next to the Fox Theatre a week after the piano man night. My colleague’s husband and son were both being featured as a horn section for a few songs during a local jazz/blues quintet’s show. For as unhappy as I was on the piano man show night, I was the complete polar opposite seeing and hearing the music that these musicians—especially the pianist’s performance. The skill that they all put forth was incredible, the passion, the soul, the funk, I was mesmerized of it all and really admired these musicians, for they were extraordinarily good. I could feel this music deep inside me as it felt so personal and authentic—something that to me felt lacking from the previous week-- as I listened to their original songs, as well as a few covers of classic songs such as “Stand by Me”, “Backwater Blues”, and even a funky mash-up of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean and Thriller”.

I was in the same state of admiration this past weekend while attending the Big Muddy Blues Festival held on the Laclede’s Landing. There were three stages set up in that area, with musicians all playing their different versions of blues. One stage seemed to be more twangy and country, with a tinge of gospel mixed in. One played more psychedelic and groovy/funky music, and then on the main stage I watched the whole show of blues legends from the past Booker T (The only band I had heard of playing at the festival whose most famous song is “Green Onions”.) While I saw certain types of blues at the festival that I would not consider my style, (such as the country version) I appreciated the musicianship and skill of all of these bands as they are all very talented. I had a great time at the festival.

I had the same feeling just last night while seeing the Principle of St. Cecilia Grade School (where my housemate Chino teaches) play with his band at the Sheldon Concert Hall. Their music was acoustic music with magnificent harmonies (a pianist/bassoon player, guitar/mandolin, another guitarist, and a steel guitar), and had a Johnny Cash meets Peter Paul and Mary type of feel to it. These people had been playing together for over thirty years and it really showed. Their passion, their understanding, and their love for playing and for each other and the crowd really came through and made perhaps the biggest impression on me of all of the four performances that I have seen in the last two weeks or so. I aspire to have that same love and appreciation for playing music thirty plus years down the road (admittedly on a much lower level than Chino’s boss).

Now that brings me to the end of the cycle with inspiration. In the last few weeks I have been playing exponentially more piano than I have freshman year of college. I have come to realize that playing music is something spiritual for me—it is a way for me to be expressive, to reflect, and to work on inner growth. There is not a better time for me to be playing more again than right now, while participating in a program that encourages and requires spirituality and different forms of it, with housemates who are there to support me throughout the year, and in a city ripe with musical opportunity to play and be heard right now. I have many goals on many levels for the year; physical, mental, spiritual, etc. But one thing that I will do is work myself into playing open mic nights again. And, when not gearing towards that, at the very least I can provide my housemates with some entertainment. Thanks for tuning in this time (literally).


I feel compelled to plug some music here so if you want to hear what I have been listening to for the last week, what is on the radio here nonstop (heard 4 times in a 3 hour time span) and what I predict will be the number #1 song in the country within the next month click here.